Jack banged on my door. He had half a six pack, said he was broke and shouldn't have bought the beer because rent was due and he was a hundred short. That sucks, I said.
Do you have any money you could spot me? he asked.
Not really, I said.
He tossed me a beer. Teri is fucking Rick, he said.
How do you know that? I asked.
I saw them last night.
Are you sure?
Of coarse I'm sure. I kicked her ass this morning for it.
You shouldn't have done that.
Why not? She's a whore.
She's not a whore.
I think I know my wife better than you do. She's a whore, he said and threw an empty beer can in my trash. Can you at least replenish my beer stash?
I found two dollars in change and we went to the day room and bought four cans of Colt 45 out of the beer machine. You up for a ride? he asked.
Where?
To my house I think Rick is there right now. I want to catch them in the act.
What good will that do? What are you going to do if you're right?
I don't know, come on, let's go.
Jack drove past his house and parked about a quarter mile up the street. I'm going to the back you check the front and left side, Jack said.
You want me to look in the window and spy on them?
Yeah how else are we going to know what's going on.
I ain't doing that, I'll wait in the car.
Suit yourself.
What are you going to do if they are in there doing what you think they're doing?
I don't know.
If you barge in there Rick will kick Your ass.
Says you.
You don't want to fight Rick.
You don't know what I want to do.
That was true. I walked back to the car and waited. He returned about fifteen minutes latter and took me back to the barracks.
I'm not sure how or why Jack and I became friends. I was already semi infatuated with Teri who I met at a party. I saw her across the room. I was pretty high and drunk. I sat down beside her, asked how she knew all these asshole's and pointed in a circle. I'm married to Jack, she said.
Who's Jack? I asked.
She pointed at a guy I didn't know. Does he work at the shed? I asked. She nodded. He's a lucky SOB, I said. She laughed. A couple weeks before Jack showed up at my door, Rick, Teri, Joe and I were drinking at the house Jack and Teri were renting. She told me that she wasn't happy and that they were broke since Mike was kicked out of the Army for failing a piss test and that she wanted to go home to Michigan. They were raising two kids, Jack found a dead end job and was trying to make enough money to get them home. Your the only one I can talk to, she said to me. I thought that I was starting to make the impression I'd been trying so hard to make. So when Jack told me about Rick and her it threw me for a loop.
Rick knocked on my door and yelled I can smell that shit. I opened the door and quickly ushered him in my room.
You can smell that in the latrine and all the way down the hall.
We finished the bowl I was smoking. I loaded another. You are going to get busted if you keep smoking in here, Rick said.
Yeah probably, I agreed. It doesn't help when you stand in the hall yelling that you can smell it.
Nobodies here, everyone went to the river.
Why aren't you there?
I just got back I have to pick up a keg for Jacks party.
Can I catch a ride?
Do you have a costume?
Why would I?
It's a Halloween party I'm not taking you if you don't have one.
I'll figure something out.
I'm leaving in thirty minutes.
I found a leather suit jacket and a hat. A half hour latter Rick walked into my room wearing a baseball jersey and a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap.
What kind of costume is that? Rick asked.
I'm Mike Hammer, I said.
Who the hell is Mike Hammer?
He's a fictional private detective.
I'm Pete Rose.
Yeah, you look just like him.
You couldn't do any better than a private detective nobodies ever heard of?
I can be one you heard of if it makes you happier.
That's not the point.
You should rub some dirt on your jersey if you want to be more authentic.
What?
Forget it let's get out of here.
Do you have any change I need a beer for the road? Rick asked.
I gave it all to Brown this morning.
Brown is an asshole. I almost killed him at the river.
What did he do?
The same shit he always does.
Hey were you with Jack the other night?
Why do you ask?
Because he thinks Teri and I have something going and Teri says he was spying on her.
I was with him but I stayed in the car while he snooped around. Do you and Teri have anything going.
Not anymore. She's crazy.
Rick and I were the first people to arrive at the party. I saw Teri in the kitchen through a window while I helped Rick set up the keg in the backyard. She was wearing an Indian costume. When she saw me she waved, ran outside and kissed me. I have to talk to you latter, she said. I'll be here. I have to do something, she said and walked away. Jack walked up in a Dracula costume. I poured him a beer. How's it going? I asked. He laughed, shit, he said and walked in the house with Rick. I lit a cigarette and stood out there by myself until Brown and Hayden showed up. Brown had a cowboy hat and a squirt gun in his belt. Hayden was wearing his Army fatigues. I'm GI Joe, he said.
Brown laughed and said, it's funny cause his name is Joe.
We're pretty drunk, Hayden said.
We were at the river all day, Brown said.
Where is everyone? Hayden asked.
I'm not sure, I said.
This party blows, Brown said.
Who are you supposed to be? I asked.
John Wayne, Brown said.
I found a whiskey bottle under the sink and sat on the couch. Teri sat down next to me. I handed her the bottle, I owe you a bottle of whiskey, I said. Finally I get to talk to you, she said and took a pull of whiskey. Are you having fun? She asked. I laughed. I'm not either, she said. Let's take a ride. We drove to the river. I lit a cigarette. Can I have a puff, she asked. I handed her my cigarette and found a rock for her to sit on. Jack told me you were with him the night he spied on me and Rick.
I stayed in the car, I said, picked up a rock, threw it at a tree and missed.
He wants me to think he's going to kill me. I don't think he will. This cigarette taste so good, she said and handed it back to me.
Why does he want you to think that?
Cause he's crazy.
I don't think he's crazy. I think he's mad at the world.
He's mad alright.
I don't get it.
What don't you get?
He has everything. He has you. He has two cool kids. If I had you I would be happy.
She laughed. It not that simple CJ.
Yeah it is, I said, picked up a rock, hit the tree. Are you cold?
A little.
I gave her my jacket.
Now you will be cold.
I'm a paratrooper. Paratroopers are tough or supposed to be anyway.
Why don't you act like your friends?
I don't know. Maybe I should.
No you shouldn't. They're putting on an act.
I am too. It's just a different act.
It's a better one.
Maybe.
It is CJ.
I haven't seen Jack much tonight.
He and Rick bought some coke and they're holed up in the kids bedroom. They're in love. They aren't queer but they might as well be.
Is that why you hooked up with Rick?
Probably.
Was it worth it?
Of course it wasn't.
I found a nice sized rock and put it next to Teri and sat down.
Are you disappointed in me? She asked.
I was. No, I said. I get it.
Do you want to kiss me?
Since the day I met you.
It took me awhile to get here.
When we returned to the house almost everyone was gone. Rick and Jack were standing outside. Where did you two go? Jack asked.
CJ wanted some whiskey, Teri said.
There's a bottle under the sink, Jack said.
I found that and drank it with Brown and Hayden, I said. I wanted to replace it.
I handed Jack a bottle of Jack Daniels. He opened it and took a hit and handed it to Rick. It took you long enough, Jack said. Rick offered me the bottle I declined. I went inside the house and into the kids room. Rick was pretty high, I figured he wasn't ready to leave so I thought I'd lay down for awhile. You were gone an hour and a half, Jack yelled.
And where have you been all night? Teri asked.
You know full well where I was and it's none of your business.
I listened to Jack and Teri fight until they stopped and almost fell asleep. Teri entered the room. She was crying. Are you alright? I asked. She kind of laughed. No, she said.
It will be alright, I said. I didn't believe it.
No it won't and you know it won't. I would like to lay on the bed with you.
That's not a good idea.
Who cares. Why isn't it a good idea?
You know why it isn't.
CJ I'm leaving in five minutes, Rick yelled.
Don't leave, Teri said.
I have to.
You can sleep here. Jack or I can give you a ride in the morning.
Are you going to be alright?
What do you mean?
Are you safe here with Jack.
Do you care?
Of coarse I care.
Than why are you leaving?
That was reasonable question.
I had guard duty a couple nights after the party and had the next day off. I hitch hiked to Jack and Teri's house. I knew that Jack would be at work and the kids would be at school. She wasn't home. I sat on the porch and waited for a couple hours. When she drove up I walked to the car, she smiled, and laughed. I had a feeling you would be here, she said.
How could you know that? I asked and helped her bring in some groceries. She put the groceries away. We went to bed. I noticed she had a scar on her side. I asked her about the scar. She seemed kind of offended. They are stretch marks she said and placed me inside her. I never wanted to be outside of her again. Teri had to pick up her kids. I smoked a joint in the backyard. I finished the joint and lit a cigarette. Jack showed up, what are you doing here? He asked.
I had the day off and I'm off for the rest of the week and I didn't want to hang out at the barracks all weekend, I said.
I'm glade you're here, I'm getting some acid tonight. Do you want me to pick you up a tab? Mike asked.
I'll take one.
Can you front me some cash? I need it to score the acid.
Good thing I am here, I said. Jack laughed, can I have a cigarette.
How much cash you need?
Thirty. I handed him a cigarette and two twenties.
Jack and I were sitting on his porch tripping and smoking. Teri was making pancakes. I was staring at a house surrounded by trees. The house looked like a painting I could walk into and disappear and that was tempting. That house across the street looks like a painting I could walk into and become a part of, I'm considering it,I said.
That's dangerous, Jack said. That's how you get in trouble, he added.
I'm already in trouble, I said or thought. Teri opened the door and told us the pancakes were ready. Her two kids were sitting in the kitchen eating. I'm not hungry, I said and went into the backyard. Two cats were roaming around, they turned into tigers although I knew they were just cats. I laid on the grass, one of the cats growled. Teri appeared and laid down beside me. Those cats look like tigers, I said.
They do not, Teri said and laughed.
Where's Jack? I asked.
Putting the kids to bed.
Did you hear that?
I heard something, she said.
Teri and I were folding clothes in a laundromat. She was going to drop me off at the base on her way home. It felt like the end of something. I put the clothes in the back seat of her car. It was raining. She got in the car, handed me a piece of paper. It was something she ripped out of a magazine. I thought of you when I read it, she said. It was something Tennessee Williams wrote. I read it. That's pretty good, I said, folded it and put it in my wallet. I carried it around for years.
Jack and I took his son Melvin to a creek after we watched the Ohio State Michigan game. Melvin was wadding, we were standing under a bridge watching him and smoking. He asked if I was sleeping with Teri. I told him I wasn't. He said, every one thinks I'm a fool. They say you and Teri are having an affair.
You're not a fool, I said. I guess he believed me.
Jackson banged on my door and told me a girl was waiting for me at the CQ desk. She's good looking, he said. Teri and I took a walk in the woods. I can't stay long, she said. A deer crossed the path we were walking. The deer stopped and stared at us for a few seconds and ran away. We're leaving Saturday morning, Teri said. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. Don't you have anything to say? Teri asked.
I wonder where that deer is going, I said. It better be careful around here.
Are you OK? Teri asked.
I'm great, I said. We both knew I wasn't. I lit a cigarette and handed it to Teri. She took a drag and gave it back.
I have to go home, she said. We made a U turn. Jacks having a party on Friday night, Teri said. I was trying to maintain my bearings. I had to find true north. Will you come? Teri asked.
It will be my last chance to see you. I have no choice.
We walked in silence for a long time. I don't know what she was thinking about. I thought about the deer, the river, a tree in her backyard, Jack taking her home to Ohio. There wasn't anything I could do about it and whether I really wanted to was beside the point.
Say something CJ.
There is nothing to say that wouldn't make me sound pathetic.
We arrived at her car. She kissed me and drove away. I watched her car disappear and went to my room. I had nowhere to go or anything to do.
Jack handed me a bottle of whiskey. I took a slug and gave it back. We were in his backyard. I lit a cigarette and gave Jack one. What are you going to do when you get to Michigan? I asked.
Stay with Teri's brother until I find a job and a place to stay we can afford. Teri is so mad at me about this Army debacle. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me. It's all my fault.
She will forgive you, I bet.
Jack handed me the bottle. You really think so? he asked.
It's in her best interests to forgive you. She needs you.
You really think so?
I do.
I hope your right cause I need her more than I ever even knew.
I always knew you needed her, I said took a swig of whiskey, tossed my cigarette and walked into the house. Where you going? Jack yelled.
I don't know, I said, Jack couldn't hear. Where's Jack? Rick asked.
In the backyard.
Teri's looking for you, Rick said.
I found her in the driveway saying goodbye to Ian and Tracy. We're out of beer, she said I'm going to get some. Come with me. After I purchased the beer we sat in the car. I asked her for a picture. She handed me a picture of her standing under a tree in a blue dress, she pulled out of her wallet. It's the only one I have, she said. I stared at the picture.
You look pretty, I said. Thanks.
I wish I had a better picture, she said.
It's fine, I said and it was.
This is awful, she said.
Yeah it is, I agreed. I wish you could come with us.
I laughed. I wish we could start over or at least go back in time but that's impossible. I wish I could snap my fingers and make your problems disappear. I wish we could drive this car into a new reality that would change everything except how we feel about each other right now. I wish tonight wasn't the last time I'll ever see you but it is.
We'll see each other again.
You think so?
I do.
Maybe we will. I sure hope so.
Teri called me about a week after she left, told me it was snowing and the day before she was walking to the mailbox and found a half a pack of my cigarettes in the pocket of a jacket I left at her house and that made her happy and sad. She said that Jack was looking for a job and was not having any luck and that he was drinking a lot. I told her that I missed her and to hang tough and that things will work out. She wanted me to write her a letter. I thought it was to dangerous but she said that she always picked up the mail. She pretty much insisted and I wanted to stay connected so I wrote the letter. I never heard back. I always thought something bad happened and it probably did. That's a story Teri would have to tell and it might be better left unsaid. I never saw or heard from her again. I don't know if she thought about me or this story much over the many years that have passed. Maybe she has thought about me fondly and wished that we could have met up and reconnected or maybe she thought less and less about me until I disappeared from her thoughts and her memory as well.
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